It’s been almost a year since I sent out my last newsletter and it has been a rough year indeed. I went through a very intense period of experiencing illness, fear and depression. I did not work and felt completely cut off from the world for quite some time. In hindsight, there was meaning behind this very difficult transition process, but it sure did not feel that way when I was passing through it.
In this newsletter I will tell you a little more about the process I went through because I believe that many lightworkers across the world are going through something similar. It seems to be a time of great purging for us and although it is quite hard to keep your faith during this purgatory process, there is meaning and purpose to it.
Jeshua is telling me that we have to go through it, allowing ourselves to be turned inside out and upside down, to really understand what light-work is about. One of the fruits of this process is that it enables us to become much more compassionate teachers. When you descend into the darkest corners of your personality, when you allow the darkness to enter your conscious awareness, you become humble in the right sense of the word. You understand the extremes of human emotion and behaviour from within. All grounds for judging others or even yourself fall away when you truly face your own darkness. It is then that you realise that you are first and foremost human, just like everyone else.
As a human, one participates in the realm of duality, and the art of living on Earth is to accept and even celebrate this, rather than transcend and rise above it. This may sound strange because weren’t we expected to move beyond duality this time? Isn’t that what spirituality is about? I now believe that it is far better to accept duality than to want to transcend it. The urge to transcend duality often betrays a lack of respect for reality on Earth, the fear to truly surrender to it, and a slightly condescending attitude with regard to people who are not ‘working on themselves’ spiritually. I surely was guilty of all three. But I think this has been a pitfall for many lightworkers. The paradox is that once you truly embrace duality as the way things are on planet Earth, you are not struggling anymore with your own nature, and this can be such a relief, that one feels like having moved beyond duality after all!
Having done a lot of ‘inner work’ (by means of regression therapy, healing, meditation, channeling) during the past eight years, I thought I kind of knew my dark parts and had more or less transcended them. Well was I mistaken! It took a year for me to realise that it is wiser for me to embrace and make peace with the dark side of me, rather than fight it, because fighting it made it worse while accepting it, finally, gave me a deep sense of relief and a new awareness of the miracle of life.
For me the process started in the spring of 2009, when I struggled with a persistent stomach inflammation (gastritis) which became ever more painful. I especially suffered from acid reflux, which caused a burning sensation in my throat all day and all night long. I had begun to experience problems with this two year earlier, and I knew that it was mainly caused by the stress I felt as a result of my growing practice.
Although I loved my work (offering workshops, public channelings and individual consultations) there was a lot of fear and insecurity in me, which would rise to the surface every time I had to do a channeling or reading. I would feel fear of being ridiculed, not knowing what to say, not having Jeshua come through, in short fear of rejection. This fear did not disappear when I started doing more workshops and consultations, and it caused a lot of stress in me. As a result, my stomach signalled me that it was too much to digest. I did not listen to it for a long time.
In May 2009 the pain became very hard to bear. I went to the hospital and was diagnosed with gastritis (inflammation of the stomach). The medicine I was taking did not help nor did my strict dietary adjustments seem to have any effect. In the summer months, I started to become afraid of the physical pain and I could not sleep very well any more. I cancelled all workshops and consultations and after some months the pain subsided. However, the trouble wasn’t over. Now fear became the main problem. I was experiencing intense fears running through my body, which had no clear cause. I was not seeing many people anymore because I wasn’t working, and my stomach was getting better, yet the fear remained.
In the past, I had done a lot of regression therapy and I knew that this unexplainable fear might very well be caused by past life trauma. To be honest, I thought I had largely dealt with this past life trauma but I now found out that although one can understand the trauma with one’s mind, the emotional scars take a lot of time to heal. The fact that I had such fear of channeling and speaking in public, was related to past lives in which I had done something similar and had been rejected and even persecuted for it. The fact that I knew this to be the case was however not enough to make the fear go away. I decided I just had to experience the fear, let it pass through me so to speak. My husband Gerrit had experienced similar fears some ten years ago and he found out that when he said ‘yes’ to those fears again and again, welcoming them as a part of his soul that wanted to be healed, they became more bearable and eventually subsided. Jeshua has said the same thing in several channels, and I read some other books which basically stated the same.
However, the plain fact was that I couldn’t. I simply could not accept the fear because it felt so bad. I had never experienced this amount of fear before. It caused chronic hyperventilation and the sleeplessness became even worse in the fall of 2009. In the end, I hardly slept anymore and the distinction between waking and sleeping faded away. My perception of reality became distorted and I feared that my mind would never work properly again. I also became very depressed. There was a gloominess and basic distrust of life in my soul which I had always known to be there, lurking in the background so to speak. It now came from its hiding place and manifested itself as a dark state of mind in which I closed myself off from the world completely.
I felt disconnected from my husband and 8 years old daughter as well as from my heavenly guides Jeshua and Mary. I was completely alone and felt there was no place for me in this world. I thought I had to disappear and I felt completely worthless. I was losing a lot of weight and I was basically doing nothing all day long. Time went by incredibly slowly and one hour seemed to last a day. The worst thing was that during the winter months, I almost felt nothing at all. Whereas I had been very sensitive before, I now seemed unable to feel emotions in my body. This was very eerie and I now realised that it was much better to feel fear than to feel nothing at all.
In the early spring of 2010 things finally changed. I accepted help and treatment by a psychiatrist. I rejected all he said at first, and felt uncomfortable with the medicine he prescribed. Nonetheless, bringing the problem out in the open did create change, even if it was painful and embarrassing. To my surprise, my friends and family supported me all the way through, even if I was hostile to them and did not answer their telephone calls and letters. People kept on sending post cards, some women organised a healing circle, and my dear husband and daughter stayed close to me even if my behaviour became erratic and irrational (I’ll spare you the anecdotes ;-).
It was an incredible experience for me to find out how sweet people really are. While I felt alienated from myself and ashamed of being diagnosed with a psychiatric disorder, my family and friends still saw me, even if I did not. This has been a deeply healing experience for me. My basic distrust in life was simply refuted by the kindness of the people around me. Thus, I experienced healing for my inner wounds in a way I never expected. I now realised that people really liked me, stripped to the bare bone, which in my case could be taken quite literally ;-) as I weighed only 92.5 pounds/42 kilo.
I now feel welcome on earth and I savour every day. I enjoy the intimacy I feel with my friends and family now, I am grateful to feel the connection with Jeshua and mother Earth again, and I also love the little things of daily life, like seeing a flower burst open, feeling my daughter curl up against me in the morning, or watching my cat having a good stretch. This is where I want to be. I feel deeply grateful for life on earth.
The dark side of me, like anyone else’s dark side, has to do with my fear of living. I basically distrusted life on earth, especially other people, from the day I was born. I know I am not alone in this, for many lightworkers alive today entered this incarnation with similar feelings. I recently channelled a message from Jeshua for a friend, who also struggles with deep fears which seem to have no cause. I will end by quoting Jeshua’s words to him, because I feel they are applicable to what many lightworkers are now going through. (The message is addressed to a male person, so therefore Jeshua speaks of ‘he’, the ‘inner boy’ etcetera.)
Jeshua on dealing with fear:
“The fear you are experiencing is the deepest fear a human can face: the fear to live.
People think they fear death, but they actually fear life, because life is a strong, unpredictable force that leads you past the highs of love and joy and the lows of fear and loneliness. Life is about feeling.
You are afraid to feel your fear, because you think it will destroy you.
However, this thought is simply fear in another form.
The only solution is to face the fear, let it be, embrace it as it is. It is part of life.
To be able to live with your fear, you need to make a decision.
It is the decision to live, specifically to live on earth right now. This decision cannot be made for you by anyone else. You have to make it and it must come from your heart: your feelings rather than your thoughts.
Deep down inside of you there’s a little boy waiting to be welcomed and caressed.
He was not received by his earthly mother in a way that made him truly feel loved for who he was. He does not feel at home on earth. He is also carrying past life time grief inside.
This little boy has felt betrayed and abandoned by life. He is not sure he wants to live on earth ever again.
He is now asking you to reach out to him from your heart. Your fear is his voice calling you.
To embrace life on earth now is to embrace this little boy inside.
Would you want anyone else to take care of his wounds?
Would you want to hand over this precious child of yours to anyone but yourself?
He is waiting for you.
What he needs from you first and foremost is your acceptance. He wants you to take responsibility for him and tell him that you are there for him no matter what. He needs to know that you are there even if he keeps on crying and being afraid. He needs to know you will be there unconditionally. Only then can he relax…
You see, you cannot make his fear go away through any outside method. The idea that he needs to be healed or ‘fixed’– with the help of healers or healing methods – may make him feel there is something wrong with him. He may feel rejected by it. He has no trust in life. The only way his trust can be restored is by you being there even if he remains afraid. You must accept him unconditionally, and only then will this wounded child receive true healing.
If you truly embrace this inner child of yours, he will bestow you with many gifts among which the greatest is to find joy in life again, to enjoy the ride between the highs and the lows, to feel safe and at home on earth right now.”
Pamela & Gerrit