Hello friends. Admit it, we all love a nice “dark” character, especially if he’s played by Johnny Depp! Since darkness is one-half of the yin/yang energy, it cannot be denied. Darkness also is not cut and dried, and has many variants of gray, also to mention a certain beauty and power. We couldn’t see the stars if there was no night, and as Carl Jung once said (and I’m paraphrasing,) “There’s gold in that shadow.” It’s not an easy road that’s for sure, but it’s one of the most potent opportunities to gaze into our own soul and where we are holding illusions, dis-ease and injury. Soul “doctoring” can come in many forms, and they aren’t always pleasant or pretty.
NOTE: This post is Part III in a series. The other two can be accessed via this link, and are recommended reading for terminology and background information. Thank you.
The Dark Relationship as Addiction/Redemption
There have been so many poems, songs and movies about it, it’s hard to figure out even where to begin. The intoxication of that powerful pull of love and lust towards someone, along with the obsession. They are on your mind 24/7 and for awhile anyway, you don’t seem to mind. It is if they have captured you in body, mind and soul, and we (especially as women,) may believe that’s what True Love looks like. The real truth of the matter: it isn’t. The real danger in this at least initially, is that it can be a real turn-on to have someone *desire* you that much. For someone who is carrying baggage and scars in the area of rejection and self-worth, they may be especially vulnerable to that type of relationship.
There’s a difference between longing to be with someone, being passionate about them and being obsessed. Good healthy lust in the context of a committed, balanced relationship is a wonderful thing and actually can be quite holy, especially when it comes from a place of whole-ness. The looking for someone to “complete you,” or be your “better half,” not so much. For people that identify as psychic, empathic or highly sensitive, this can be even more complicated; as the Soul Mate appearing as a controlling personality, has more than a few ways to uniquely push your buttons, and this can also be done at a psychic/astral level.
Real love does not box you in, hold you captive, or make you a slave (on any level,) to another human being. That type of scenario just reeks of dark control dynamics. From an astrological perspective, if you or your partner have their Pluto placed in the 1st or 8th house especially, and have not done any work on your own personal insecurities or control issues, you may be in for a rough ride. Pluto in the First house (when negatively manifested,) can be narcissistic and all about “more power for me,” as the First House (Aries) rules personal identity. Pluto in the Eighth House (Scorpio) can take sexuality, power and obsession to a particularly dark or taboo place.
Oh, it’s evil babe, the way you let your grace enrapture me. When well you know I’d be insane, to ever let that dirty game recapture me. Oh, your gaze is dangerous, and you fill your space so sweet. If I let you get too close, you’ll set your spell on me. – F. Apple
This type of relationship can easily become addictive as alcohol, nicotine or any other mind-altering substance or addictive activity. When combined with sex and those particular “love buzz” chemicals, it can render some people significantly debilitated. Similar to drug and/or alcohol addiction, a person may need to hit their own personal “rock bottom,” before they are ready to reform or seek help. If you are witnessing friends or family members caught up in this type of dynamic it may be particularly hard to stay out of co-dependent or rescuing behaviors. Keep in mind that in many cases, it takes a solid realization on the part of the person in a control-oriented relationship to break the chain. In the meantime, you can pray for them and hold them in loving light, and keep the faith that they will find their way out.
Would you believe me when I tell you, you are the queen of my heart? Please don’t deceive me when I hurt you, just ain’t the way it seems. Can you feel my love buzz? – R. Van Leeuwen
Spiritually and on a karmic level, in my work in the Akashic Records over the years I have often seen this dynamic between couples that have plenty of “unfinished business,” with each other. They may have had past experiences as spouses or even as master and servant, and this sense of “ownership” between them may continue into the present time. It’s important to note that in many cases the way to end the karma is to simply walk away, without incident or malice. Just to simply BE DONE, as the lesson may be around regaining personal power, sovereignty or self-esteem. Soul Mate relationships often have a sense of serendipity or predestination to them, which may make them even harder to let go of. That’s why it can be beneficial to seek guidance from an akashic or other soul-level counselor who truly understands these powerful dynamics.
The Dark Relationship as a spiritual Grad School experience
If you find yourself currently in a dark relationship or have been in one in the past, please don’t be hard on yourself. In my travels over the years, I was initially surprised to find out that many of the people that I met that were considered leaders in the spiritual and holistic healing communities had been through at least one of these relationships. One of the women referred to her ex-lover as her “Shiva” experience. She is now happily married to a wonderful man and they have a very rich and satisfying life together. The point is, the Dark Relationship does not have to be an end-game. In many cases, it can be the beginning into a whole new (and much more positive,) way of life.
In the mythology of your life you are indeed the hero/ine, and are on your heroic journey back to the awakened heart, your spiritual home. Just as one is guided to not struggle if they find their hand in the mouth of a great beast like a lion or a snake, as to struggle only causes more suffering and can incite the creature to make an even deadlier strike; the more you resist and struggle, the more pain you experience. You ask, “Why would I choose an experience like this in my life?” Those who have undertaken a course of spiritual study understand that everyone is a divine being, worthy of love and compassion. You understand this conceptually, but not wholeheartedly, you see? To use your expression, this is “where the rubber meets the road.” When you are able to truly see and know your so-called adversaries as the great boons that they are spiritually, this will be quite a worthy achievement. Until then, offer yourself the compassion that the adversary does not offer you. Begin to return love for hatred or abuse, even in a small measure at first if that is all that you can do, and watch your transformation begin. Many of you are here to be teachers of light in the New Way and have agreed to “practice what you preach” so to speak. When you have eradicated all enemies, both internal and external, than you will be truly worthy to claim your roles and fully claim your soul missions. If you look upon this as training instead of karmic punishment, that will also help a great deal. Another mantra that you may find indeed quite helpful is, “I choose to see this differently.” Shanti. – The Keepers, from 4-7-11
In this quote by Christina Aguilera, this is what wisdom, forgiveness and freedom looks like. For anyone who’s passed through the deep initiation of the Dark Relationship, I raise my glass to you. For it is truly those that have been there too, that know of this perilous path. Well done friends.
After all that you put me through, you think I’d despise you. But in the end I want to thank you, because you’ve made me that much stronger. – C. Aguilera
NOTE: If you are currently struggling in a difficult or destructive relationship, please do take care of yourself and seek spiritual and/or psychological guidance. Also to remove yourself from any and all situations that you feel may be potentially harmful to you. Thank you.
© Irma Kaye Sawyer 2011-2016. Please feel free to share these messages as you are guided with author and copyright information included. Thank you.